Gee was slow this morning and I had to prompt her, “Let’s go, Gee. Finish your breakfast.”
“But dad, I have to finish my flower.”
As a child Gee was a picky eater. Perhaps it’s a first born thing; not used to eating what remains after older siblings snatch first dibs at the kitchen table. In the not too distant past breakfast was a bit of a challenge. Then, for some reason now unknown to me, I started presenting the kids’ breakfast fruit in patterns; in familiar form.
Splayed across the plastic children’s plate orange slices might be positioned into a smile while a strawberry formed a nose. Blueberries sprung to life as eyes. It varied. This morning eight skinny apple slices blossomed into a circle of flower petals while a less than straight line of raspberries acted as our upward-reaching stem. After an initial prompt Gee worked her way up the raspberry stem and knocked off the apple slices, petal by petal.
“Gee, let’s toss the rest of your flower in a baggie and head to school.”
I didn’t wait for a response as I leaned over to kiss the top of her head. She wore her Catholic school uniform and my best effort at a Pebbles Flintstone ponytail of hair spraying her hair upwards. More often than not one of the teachers at school took pity on Gee’s hairstyle and returned Gee with a beautiful ponytail. This morning my kiss lingered as I smelled Gee’s hair. I squeezed my eyes shut and held back tears.
Straightening up and turning towards Gee’s school bag, I pinched my eyes between my index finger and thumb. I squeezed until pain ran ahead of the steady pace of sadness. Black and silver stars appeared. I lost my balance for a moment as I reached for the bag.
Recovering, I focused on logistics, “Put your shoes on, Gee. OK?”
“We already put them on during breakfast, daddy. I’m already ready!” She scrunched her eyebrows at me. “Are you still sleepy or something, daddy?”
I forced a smile, “Let’s go.”
We held hands as we scooted down the front steps towards the car. It was mid-September and the New England air had turned cool. I wished I’d given Gee more than her blue school sweater. Above us, the sky was silent.
“Are you cold, Gee? I can go back upstairs and get your jacket.”
She shook her head and kept walking to the car. We hopped in.
“How do we look, Gee?” She leaned forward, craning her neck to and fro as she peeked past my seat looking for traffic. “We’re good.”
We pulled out in silence.
Like my mom, Gee had a finely tuned emotional antenna. She sensed I was struggling.
She probed. “Can you tell me a Jacquo Panalese story? The one when he’s in the circus with Doody Bear?” She waited for a response. I stared ahead as I drove.
“Are you too sad to tell a story, daddy?”
I shook off my stupor, responding, “I am Gee. I don’t think I can make up a story with you this morning. I’m too sad thinking about Grandpa Dick; and about Grandma Pat.” I wiped my eyes. “It’s been a couple of days now and we still can’t find him, Gee. So, yeah, I’m sad; really, really sad.”
I watched her as she looked at me through the rear view mirror. She glanced away, to look out her window at passing homes. Though Liz and I kept the kids up to date I wondered if Gee really understood what had happened to her grandfather.
I caught her eye again, “Gee do you understand what happened to Grandpa Dick? Do you know why we’re looking for him?”
“I know why you’re sad, daddy. ‘Cause the building fell on him and because, well, now he’s in Heaven.” I nodded and pushed forward another smile, “I’m afraid you’re right. You know I love you Gee.” She nodded and looked out the window before catching my eye again in the rear view mirror.
“Dad, ya know he’s not at the building anymore.” I slowed down as I turned to her. She held my gaze. I reached back and squeezed her hand as the car behind us leaned on the horn. I winked at her and returned to driving.
We pulled up to school, parked illegally and walked to the door holding hands. I reached down to kiss Gee and she grabbed my neck in both arms, squeezing me, “He’s in Heaven, daddy. He’s in Heaven.”
We hugged for longer than usual before I let her go. She turned and marched into school.
I returned to the car and sat there, imagining what might have happened to my dad after the building stopped falling.
I imagined my father to be initially upset at finding himself separated from his scattering colleagues and I got to thinking about my father’s conversation with his God upon entering Heaven…
I suspect that once he realized he was no longer running from the collapsing North Tower he’d grow to be upset, demanding answers, railing to the silence filling the space around him.
“My God, what… what am I doing here? Why am I here? This, this, isn’t right! It’s wrong. It’s all wrong! I’m not finished. People need me. Why now? Why?”
Finally screaming, “Why am I here, Goddammit?”
God would have likely startled my father as He smiled softly and asked, “Dick, you do not remember our agreement do you?
Many, many years ago, I asked for a volunteer to tirelessly lead men by example and, Dick, you accepted My offer.”
God would have continued, “I stated to you, Dick, I need someone that will never become famous, never be rich, and never have an easy time as he leads and protects the men and women of his community not from a desk, but from the trenches and the front lines.
Dick, I said I need someone that will live the values I honor, even though those values; loyalty, dedication, integrity and selflessness, will be considered outdated and ill-fitting to more fashionable values such as wealth, power, and fame.
I told you that, as a young boy, you were to be raised in a house devoid of affection, never to hear the words, ‘I love you’ from your mother or your father. Never. And, in that house when the whip shall come down, when the only thing you want to do is run and curl up and hide, I will not let you. You will have to stay and protect your brother and sister, learning early to place your back between others and the whip.
And though you will be raised in a house where love is dear you will have to learn to build a home where love shall take root.
Throughout your life you will struggle with the words, but I will force you to try, and to plant the seeds of love so those seeds may bloom as flowers among your children and your grandchildren.
I explained I need someone with the raw talent and drive to succeed, but I will force you to work as a child to earn enough money to attend a prep school where you will thrive. I need someone that will have to earn a scholarship in order to continue his education, and someone that will have to work full time while pursuing an advanced degree.
Dick, I asked for a volunteer capable of tirelessly, quietly, and successfully battling skin cancer for over 20 years and I stated you will not be allowed to ask for help, ask for sympathy, or ask for recognition of the challenges posed by your battle. Yours will be a silent fight.”
I suspect God would have gone on and said, “I asked for someone that will truly fall in love once – just once – in his life and in exchange I will let you remain with that one woman and love that same woman for over 40 years.
I said you will have to support your family as a young adult by working two jobs in addition to your full time work with Con Ed. You will deliver mail-order blankets in the Bronx and you will work with children at night for the NY City Board of Education to save enough to afford the down payment and mortgage for a house that will become your home for over 30 years.
And once you acquire this house, you will have to welcome children other than your own into your home – children needing a place to stay for days, weeks, and even months.
And I will introduce you to children who have lost their fathers and are seeking guidance. And you will have to stop what you are doing and make time and become involved in their lives – and love them as you love your own children.
I told you I need someone to visit 107th Street every week for over 10 years to quietly, thanklessly, take care of an elderly aunt, chauffeuring her about, buying groceries, and making sure she is safe. However, for that 10 year period, you will never be thanked by your aunt and your reward will be nothing more than the inner knowledge of knowing that what you did was right.
I need someone capable of working with a compassionate, skilled, medical staff responsible for treating and healing burn victims at the Cornell Burn Center but upon meeting them you will be required to make the Center in which they work more capable and better funded than when you found it.
I said I need someone capable of rising through the ranks of a Fortune 500 company but before doing so, you will have to start your career as a steelworker walking the beams on the George Washington Bridge’s lower level so you may fully understand the demanding daily requirements of the men and women in the field.
I wanted someone capable of working with the leaders and decision-makers at this company, however you will be required to treat everyone as your equal, regardless of their rank or position. You will be required to see the potential in every man – not as an ally or prop used to support your agenda but as an individual worthy of your attention, your care and your respect.”
God would have continued explaining, “I require someone I may introduce to thousands and thousands of people, yet I won’t let you view them or categorize them by color, religion race, or income. You will have to treat everyone you meet with dignity and, upon meeting each person and getting to know him or her, you will have to ask yourself ‘how can I help this person gain a better station in life?’
I need someone to work tirelessly for the safety and wellbeing of the men and women within your company regardless of the personal or professional costs. You will have to put the safety and education of your coworkers before your personal success. And you will measure your success not by your title or your income, but by the success of those around you.
And even if you do this, I will not let you become President of the company you will eventually give your life for while serving but I will let you become the mayor of Con Ed, as recognized by the respect of your coworkers – union and non-union alike.
I will let you earn the right to work among the bravest men and women in our nation, New York’s HazMat personnel and New York City’s firefighters, and allow you to be welcomed into their brotherhood, but you will have to protect them and leave them safer and better cared for through years of training and preparation.
And working alongside the Firefighters, your Con Ed coworkers and the city’s police department, I will require you to respond – immediately – when your city needs you; without respite and for years on end. You will wear a beeper and when your city needs you they will track you down and call you directly and you will respond; regardless of your location. They will track you down and you will respond from Boston, from Chicago, from El Paso, from British Columbia and from the arms of your sleeping wife, Patricia, in your home.
In turn, though, when you are lost and on your last assignment for Me, you will receive thousands, literally thousands of messages a day, from as far away as France, Japan and Turkey, from friends, coworkers, relatives, family and even strangers, seeking to help you…for they have heard of you and know Whom you have served, with each message they send asking, “What is your location? Are you OK?”
You will not be famous and your race will never be over. But you will be admired and respected by all you meet and all who hear of you.
Dick, I said, if you accept my call, I will let you experience a life bathed in love and passion for what you do and I will allow you to do what you love to do, literally, up to the moment of your death.
However, I shall choose that moment.
You will go through your professional life, telling everyone you meet you will ‘see them on the big job’ but when the big job comes, I shall snatch you away and leave the job for those you have trained; responding and then rebuilding the city you served without you.
Do you remember, Dick?
I said I would take you back if, and only if, you met My demands and that in return I would give you 66 years to experience life on earth; to prepare your family, your company, your community and your city for this challenge.
This was the agreement, Dick. And you accepted it.
And now, I can say without reservation you have kept your end of the bargain.
Welcome to Heaven, Dick. Welcome home.”
